The Evils of Breathing

Ever since the first caveman tripped over his first rock, sprawling headlong into a wall, falling over backwards and landing on his blunt stone-age tools, man has asked countless questions about the existence of his race. Why am I here? Is my religious persecution justified? Why did I just trip over that rock, sprawling headlong into a wall and landing on my blunt stone-age tools? Can two single men live together without driving each other crazy? How DO they cram all that graham into Golden Grahams? One question, however, that enters the mind of one seriously perturbed college freshman is, “Should human beings breathe?”

The answer, simply, is no.

Several cases can be, have been, and will be made both for and against this question. However, these, and every other case that has been made for the continuing respiration of the human race is flawed and cannot stand up against a thorough, rational examination. For example, the pro-breathers often argue that man would surely die off and not be able to achieve his great accomplishments, such as cities and wars. Of course, the exact same argument can be made for the anti-breathers.

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Think about it. Wouldn’t your life have been a lot more enjoyable if that bully hadn’t taken your lunch money and beaten you up every day? Or if that idiot in the ’78 Fiat hadn’t tried to cut across three lanes of heavy traffic in front of you, causing that massive explosion and the shrapnel in your forehead, wouldn’t you be able to get more dates on a Saturday night? In fact, most or ALL of the horrible things that have happened to you in your life could have been prevented by the cessation of breathing.

The pro-breathing party like to turn out soft-hearted and impressionable youths to their side by misinforming them about an oxygen/carbon dioxide imbalance in the atmosphere that would come about if humans stopped breathing. This is simply not so. Research has shown that with the ever-worsening human overpopulation problem on the planet, and the recent development of the combustion engine, carbon dioxide is becoming a greater and greater portion of our atmosphere.

If this problem continues as it has been, IT will surely wipe out ALL life on earth, except for the cockroaches and Elvis, of course, who can live through anything and are destined to be the final inhabitants of the Earth. If anything, the ceasing of human respiration will make much more balanced a delicate atmospheric mix of gases.

Through time and time again, logic, science, and nature have shown us that human breathing is wrong and detrimental to the ecosystem, to humans themselves, and to the morale of intelligent, sentient beings everywhere. On the whole, wouldn’t the entire human race be for the better if we didn’t breathe? No more pain and suffering, no more cruelty and hatred, and no more satanic purple dinosaurs infiltrating our children’s minds. The right answer is clear.